Sophia's Baptism

Last night Sophia was baptized at our church and she did such a good job. She didn't cry during the ceremony.She looked absolutely adorable in her dIess! Although it was a happy occasion it was actually a hard night for me. I need to make a confession and I figure this is a good place to do it considering no matter how hard I try I cannot speak the words. When I first found out that Sophia would be born with a heart condition of course I was upset and I cried but only for about a day I figured instead of being upset I had to learn everything there is to know about this condition I had never even heard of. I felt that my time would be better spent researching surgeons and hospitals then being depressed about a situation I had no control over, so for the remainder of my pregnancy I did just that. When Sophia was born everything changed. Seeing this beautiful baby so innocent and helpless breaks my heart over and over each day. There is no ammount of love that could compare to my love for Sophia. As she grows and changes I fall more in love with her and the aching in my heart gets stronger. It was not until the day that I recieved the date of her surgery that I actually felt this was real. Infact each time I had another growth ultrasound I imagined the doctor telling me that somehow Sophia was going to be born normal, that it was a miracle and she would not need the surgery but that did not happen and now that the date of her surgery is real and it exists I am internally torn to shreds. Sometimes I ask God why, why my daughter but I know that is not a fair question and life simply does not work out the way we want it to all of the time. I find myself eachday trying to cherish the moments that Sophia smiles or makes a cute noise and trying to put the negative out of my mind. My confession is that I have chosen to be numb to this situation on the outside. I know it is probably not healthy but my feelings are too painful to face. Last night I tried to express my fears to Kyle about the surgery and I ended up sobbing so hard I could not catch my breath. I prefer to blink away the tears when they start to fill my eyes and this has been successful eveytime except about three. I do not want my mother to see the pain that is tearing apart my heart because I know it will only cause her to worry. I do not want my sister to see the tears that fall from my cheeks when I am alone because I know that this would cause her to cry. I do not want Kyle to see how afraid I am of Sophia's surgery, so I keep myself together as much as I can but I just needed to get it out. I AM AFRAID. I AM TERRIFIED. But my daughter is strong and so is God. For now my feelings are better left pushed to the back of my mind while I dread October 7th, the day I will be foced to face them.