Change in surgery date

The surgeon's office called on Friday to let me know Sophia's surgery has been canceled. He said that she was doing so well that they want to give her one more month to grow and put on a little more wieght. She is now 11 pounds 4 ounces! A lot of heart babies have trouble gaining weight but not our Sophia. So the new surgery date is November 4th. I feel really good about waiting another month even though I cannot wait to have this surgery behind us. The surgeon also said that if Sophia waits another month she will most likely have a shorter hospital stay which is a plus! We are also meeting with the plastic surgeon on October 5th to take a look at the skin tag on Sophia's nose. The skin tag is going to be removed during heart surgery after her heart is all taken care of, this way she won't have to be put out again to remove the tag. I will be glad when that is gone as well because she is discovering her hands and how usefull they can be (she grabs everything blankets, hair, etc.) so i really want to remove the skin tag before she grabs ahold of it. This month we are looking forward to Halloween! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Sophia is going to be a ladybug and we already have her costume. We are also looking forward to a visit from Auntie Lyndsey and Jacob!Please continue to pray for our baby girl!

Sophia's Baptism

Last night Sophia was baptized at our church and she did such a good job. She didn't cry during the ceremony.She looked absolutely adorable in her dIess! Although it was a happy occasion it was actually a hard night for me. I need to make a confession and I figure this is a good place to do it considering no matter how hard I try I cannot speak the words. When I first found out that Sophia would be born with a heart condition of course I was upset and I cried but only for about a day I figured instead of being upset I had to learn everything there is to know about this condition I had never even heard of. I felt that my time would be better spent researching surgeons and hospitals then being depressed about a situation I had no control over, so for the remainder of my pregnancy I did just that. When Sophia was born everything changed. Seeing this beautiful baby so innocent and helpless breaks my heart over and over each day. There is no ammount of love that could compare to my love for Sophia. As she grows and changes I fall more in love with her and the aching in my heart gets stronger. It was not until the day that I recieved the date of her surgery that I actually felt this was real. Infact each time I had another growth ultrasound I imagined the doctor telling me that somehow Sophia was going to be born normal, that it was a miracle and she would not need the surgery but that did not happen and now that the date of her surgery is real and it exists I am internally torn to shreds. Sometimes I ask God why, why my daughter but I know that is not a fair question and life simply does not work out the way we want it to all of the time. I find myself eachday trying to cherish the moments that Sophia smiles or makes a cute noise and trying to put the negative out of my mind. My confession is that I have chosen to be numb to this situation on the outside. I know it is probably not healthy but my feelings are too painful to face. Last night I tried to express my fears to Kyle about the surgery and I ended up sobbing so hard I could not catch my breath. I prefer to blink away the tears when they start to fill my eyes and this has been successful eveytime except about three. I do not want my mother to see the pain that is tearing apart my heart because I know it will only cause her to worry. I do not want my sister to see the tears that fall from my cheeks when I am alone because I know that this would cause her to cry. I do not want Kyle to see how afraid I am of Sophia's surgery, so I keep myself together as much as I can but I just needed to get it out. I AM AFRAID. I AM TERRIFIED. But my daughter is strong and so is God. For now my feelings are better left pushed to the back of my mind while I dread October 7th, the day I will be foced to face them.

Sophia's Surgery Update

Yesterday I recieved a letter in the mail with Sophia's surgery date on it, October 7th 2010. The first thing I thought when I saw it was that 7 is my lucky number. My birthday is February 7th, in sports I was always number 7, in elementary school my class number was always 7, it has just always been my lucky number. Well this year I was induced on July 7th and things couldn't have gone any better. My baby was as healthy as could be, she only had to stay in the NICU for 24 hours and my labor was a piece of cake and went by so fast. The surgeon told me that Sophia would have her surgery in mid October but the 7th is not mid it is begining. Some would think of it as coincedence but I just got a feeling when I saw the date and I believe that this in some way is God telling me that everything is going to be alright. This whole process is so much harder than I ever imagined but I can already see that Sophia is so strong. Another heart mom told me "He will protect them when you cannot," and so I am putting all my faith in God and that is where I find peace. On a lighter note my baby girl is being baptized this Tuesday night and I am so excited! My Aunt Carolanne and Uncle Paul bought her a beautiful dress and I cannot wait to put it on her. I will post pictures Tuesday or Wednesday until then Please keep us in your prayers!

My smiley girl